[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

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Release the episodes where Clarissa Explains dogecoin and how to do my taxes


(i go up to lady pushing baby in stroller and put my foot up on the stroller to address the baby) hey baby… is this woman bothering you


Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs


4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time



Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.


[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns


You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?


“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider


*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider


If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?


*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*