[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

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I don’t really pay much attention to politics so basically what I’m asking is, does anyone know if it’s still illegal to sell kids on eBay?


[screaming and mass hysteria]


Me: I thought you said BYO bees

Guy holding a jar of pee: I also misheard


* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.


I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.


People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.


*gets eaten by a shark*

At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”


*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*


Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.