@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

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@NickelForward

Release the episodes where Clarissa Explains dogecoin and how to do my taxes

@machiavellino

(i go up to lady pushing baby in stroller and put my foot up on the stroller to address the baby) hey baby… is this woman bothering you

@maebemarbles

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

@SnarkyMommy78

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

@AnniemuMary

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

@_elvishpresley_

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

@DarkerWillow

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

@Lovestained555

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

@jctwritesstuff

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*