I don’t really pay much attention to politics so basically what I’m asking is, does anyone know if it’s still illegal to sell kids on eBay?
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
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[screaming and mass hysteria]
Party host: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!
Me: I thought you said BYO bees
Guy holding a jar of pee: I also misheard
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
*gets eaten by a shark*
At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.