@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

You Might Also Like

@splendidcynic

I don’t really pay much attention to politics so basically what I’m asking is, does anyone know if it’s still illegal to sell kids on eBay?

@justokpanda

[screaming and mass hysteria]

Party host: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!

Me: I thought you said BYO bees

Guy holding a jar of pee: I also misheard

@CulturedRuffian

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

@Donna_McCoy

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

@capnmcfword

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

@_ShutUpKate

*gets eaten by a shark*

At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”

@DurtMcHurtt

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

@AbbyHasIssues

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.