[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
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Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on