Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

Lmao 🤣

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?