Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.