There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
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Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU
BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU
1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU
DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU
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Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
*spits out animal cracker*
This doesn’t even taste like hippo.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Twitter is a cool place to have friendly, open conversations with a small group of people in front of hundreds of online enemies who’re watching intently for you to make some sort of screenshottable error