[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
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WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together