@Tommytoughstuff

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

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@shkeeber

There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.

@_SingleBabyMama

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

@SatansTongue

HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU

BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU

1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU

DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU

??? ????’? ??? ????

@ThugRaccoons

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

@citizenkawala

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

@fro_vo

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

@kurthendricks

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

@AbiWilks

Twitter is a cool place to have friendly, open conversations with a small group of people in front of hundreds of online enemies who’re watching intently for you to make some sort of screenshottable error