Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.