[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
🤣🤣🤣
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
when you order from DoorDastardly
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has