Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

the prophecy has been fulfilled

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.