Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.