Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL