Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

My dress code is business-casualty.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye