Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that lip filler tho

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days