Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

I created you as mosquito food.

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*