Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.