Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous