*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
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On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.