Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

certified hallow’s eve classic

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read