Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

Can’t stop laughing

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.