@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I’m a bit of a grammar freak.

“Can you explain?”

I don’t know, CAN I?

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@envydatropic

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

@Darlainky

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

@compIexed

me being petty:

*gets late 3 hour late reply*
*waits for 50 seconds to reply back*

@discountzen

I told my husband that instead of leaving his dirty dishes on the counter, he should leave them in 1952 so a nice housewife cleans them up.

@KeetPotato

cop: i have to give you a ticket
me: [undoes button] how bout now?
cop: sir
me: [undoes another] how bout now?
cop: sir pls get off my shirt

@nigelgodwin

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

@DadandBuried

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

@Love_bug1016

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

@truegritrumble

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.