Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
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One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.