@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I’m a bit of a grammar freak.

“Can you explain?”

I don’t know, CAN I?

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@yenniwhite

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

@MarfSalvador

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

@MichaelTrying

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream?

Me: It’s freezing outside.

4: I know. It won’t melt.

@TheRealCDK1

Eat Salad they said….its healthy they said……you know what never gets recalled? Cake….I’m sticking with cake.

@AristotlesNZ

3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.

@DaddyJew

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”

– I yell to my children

@GrantTanaka

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

@AdamTheLobster

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark