My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“Tell me about yourself.”
I’m a bit of a grammar freak.
“Can you explain?”
I don’t know, CAN I?
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Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[boss hands me some work]
ME: Oh no thank you
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream?
Me: It’s freezing outside.
4: I know. It won’t melt.
Eat Salad they said….its healthy they said……you know what never gets recalled? Cake….I’m sticking with cake.
3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”
– I yell to my children
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark