I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
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We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”