Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

having children is a pyramid scheme.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”