Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already