Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.