Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

handsome & gretel

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly