Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.