Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

I put the p in pants.

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters