Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

🤣😂🤣😂

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”