[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
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TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I’m too immature for adultery.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school