[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
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Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Chemical wingman
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*