[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
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[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.