[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
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This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
new dr. seuss book dropping:
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
*pronounces fake like saké*
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Cats are still liquid.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT