[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
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People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
why isn’t he texting back
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.