[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
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I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high