On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
tinder is all about the long game
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”