Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

i want enemies

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

dude it’s called proctologist

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.