Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.