[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
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Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler