Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!