Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

“You’d better run, egg!”

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FFmIO_TXIAMksBl.mp4

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG