Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

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To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome