Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

Oh my God.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it