Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.