Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

My dryer is celebrating lint.

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

ugh not again

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit