Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

Ummm 😳

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

my first day as a raccoon

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me: