Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”