Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

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Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

I think this might be relevant today.

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes: