Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

me logging onto twitter

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]