Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.