Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!