Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Smooooooth

Can’t stop laughing

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

ㅤ

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids