Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

This made me smile…

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.