Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

Weighing up my bread heating options

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn