Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Church Pugh’s

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

you stereotypes are all alike

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.