[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
You Might Also Like
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.