Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.