Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Friday

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….