Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

Thanks to a fan for this one.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?