Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”