[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
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[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
We need more people like this.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.