[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
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Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Whoa 😂
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?