Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

🤝

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*