Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

they should invent a hydrating liquor

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

unbelievably distressed by this ad

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.