Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

I mean…but I did

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.