Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

*seductively peels off lederhosen

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.