Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

Sending in my taxes

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table