Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t see great advertising like this anymore

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.