Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge