*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
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The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
There’s no “u” in narcissist
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
The old gods are rising again.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.