Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

You’re not my real can

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

What do cheeky people drink out of?

A smug.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

Bobby pin

Them: You should try keto
Me:

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

Thaw me like one of your french fries

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.