Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}