Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

Des Moines Police having a normal one

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock