Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The internet is full of many things

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.