Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

skipping every song that reminds me of him

-me, listing to the playlist i made for him

here we go again

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors