Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

new wife guy just dropped

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡