Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?

podcasts

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?